someone owes me an orgasm
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
