We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
