The maid of honor just puked.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
