guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
