I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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