Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
