If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
