Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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