is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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