Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
