Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
