I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
MIDGETS
????
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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