I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Damn victory sex feels great
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
