True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
