where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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