i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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