I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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