i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
