No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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