I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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