Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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