Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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