My Higher Power is John Stamos
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
