So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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