Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
