you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
