we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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