If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
