Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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