Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
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Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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