And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
