That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
