Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
