Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
