the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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