you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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