We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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