Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Can you bring me the toilet please
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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