My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
