well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
