I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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