I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
