he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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