70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
