No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Someone shattered a urinal.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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