Where did you get a picture of my penis
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
