Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
