Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
