If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My brain says no but my pants say off.
The best revenge is premature balding
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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