just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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