guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
