my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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