I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
