Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
