On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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