Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
